First, administrative stuff: I'm read-up through day 111. I'm only about 2 days behind now.
Now for what's on my mind tonight.
I went to service today and felt something so strongly that I don't think I can ignore it any more, so I'm going to write about it. And then I suppose I'll pray about it.
I don't like close and crowded groups of people. I never have. It makes me feel angry, and it makes it hard to breathe. So I'll be candid and own my "Ochlophobia" (I looked it up, that's what it's called). I take medication for my "social anxiety" and it is what it is. I live with it.
Maybe it's the fear of groups that has heightened this feeling that I've had, but I've felt it for the last few months.
I don't feel like I should be at church anymore.
It feels like a chore.
I'm not feeling connected to God.
I'm not feeling connected to anyone or anything while I'm there.
I don't feel like I'm learning.
It just feels routine, like balancing my checkbook.
And... that feels wrong. Even my daughter, who inspired our attendance in the first place, keeps fighting me on going. "Mommy, it's the same thing over and over," she tells me, "I can't love God any more than I do now."
There are several times now where I've attended and waited to connect. To feel something. And I just don't feel it.
I don't know what to say. Or to do. It just doesn't feel right to me.
I'm not mad at you. That's how you feel. I would encourage you to figure out how YOU can connect. What do you want from it? What can you do to make it happen? Just some questions to reflect on. We're so used to being consumers and I think we think the same thing with God & the church. You might need a focus shift..i don't know, just my thoughts, non defensive, non-accusatory thoughts. And, as far as the kiddos go...as parents, sometimes we make them to things they don't want to do. Keegan tells me EVERY Tues/Thurs he hates school and doesn't want to go. I know he's learning. I know he has fun. Anyway...just my thoughts:)
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